Conversation Piece: Why must you ruin my nightclub experience!?

So a good friend of mine, Mike (by the way, ask him about his DJ mixes -- boy's got some talent) took me to see three of our favorite house music DJs last night. Now I've been a club goer for a good few years. I've been to dive bars, upscale clubs, you name it. It was finally at the club we went to last night that I finally realized there are certain things that can totally ruin your nightclub experience. So indulge me while I rattle off a few things that just gets under my skin.

Also note that everything here isn't necessarily because of the club last night. This is just stuff I've noticed in my years of hanging out with friends and such.
The pretentious "look at that line" scenario: Geez, this is retarded. Let me get this straight: we will have a bunch of people stand outside in 45 degree weather because to the few people that flow by (who are smart enough to be on their way to a much better venue) our place will look super busy and they'll want to stop and see what's going on. You know what? Stop the madness. You know how to make your club look busy? Let people in to actually do stuff. No one has time to be standing outside turning into an icicle hoping that you'll be kind enough to let them pass through your 3 stages of hell to get in your front door.

Let groups of guys in: I know that sounds crazy, but let's just pretend for a second that these groups of guys showed up with money. Oh wait, they did. And you know what? Men are dumb. If they even remotely think they have a shot of getting laid later in the evening, you best believe they're buying shots and drinks for everyone in sight. So why are you letting this batch of cash waddle and wander on the outside when they could be inside giving your girl bartender enough tips to pay for tuition simply because she bends forward really well while making a Long Island Iced Tea?

Money for nothing and say what? You know, for the amount of money I just spent trying to get through your front door, you think they would at least greet me with a free cocktail: Parking: $25, Cover charge: $20. That's $45 bucks, son. So can a brotha have a complementary Adios!?

Ladies, get over yourselves: Just because I'm bumping into you trying to make my way through the dance floor doesn't mean I'm trying to brush against your breasts or feel your butt. Matter of fact, I'm trying to duck for cover since you seem to have no sense of direction and enjoys dancing like you have no skeletal frame. And don't ever ask yourself: "Why do all of these men have to keep looking at me?" It's probably because you're basically naked and you're 'dipping it slow, bringing it up slow, rolling all around, pop it out and all of that'.

Men, get over yourselves: Geezus, fellas, can we just make our intentions any more obvious? Why don't you just walk up to the girl and place your face between her breasts and give her a brumsky!? Seriously, what are you waiting for? Why not just whisper in her ear the great words of Ludacris: "If I take one more drink, I'm gon end up fking you!"


Quit fkn with the DJ: Hey, drunkie! The DJ is trying to spin. They can't spend every waking second trying to give you a hi-five, or a wink and a nod. They don't have time to hear your story about how you first listened to them when you were 12 (you know, 4 years ago!). Ease back and enjoy the music. Think you can do that?

Let the photographer do his thing: What's with people actually stopping the photographer and saying "Take my picture". If he/she wanted your picture, they would stop YOU. So now the photographer has to try and make you look good on camera, while you're trying to make the best "See really, I'm not drunk" expression that you can (and failing). Really, let the photographer walk around and get the best shots of people enjoying themselves. Let it be their discretion.

Just a few other things!

• Men, wash your hands before leaving the bathroom! You already screwed up the aim now you want to show people where it REALLY landed. No son, use the sink, soap and towels!
• Please don't yell out how much you like a song and then mumble your way through the lyrics. You don't like the song, you like the beat.
• Dear clubgoer who is lost in the music and dancing the night away: God bless you. We need more folks like you!
• How is that I could be standing on the dance floor, you come in my space, start dancing, bump all into me and then blame me for ruining your flow? Can I say then that you ruined my eyesight by wearing that imploded Skittle bag you call an outfit!?
• That's right! The valet guy is going to be retrieving my TOYOTA COROLLA! What!?

These are a few of my favorite things. Do you have things about going out that irritate you? Please share.